While we might think that a life of privilege offers only freedom, luxury and endless opportunity, the literature paints a very different picture. Of course, some born with the proverbial silver spoon make a smooth transition to healthy productive adulthood; far too many are unable to grow up “healthy, wealthy and wise.”
What are some of the challenges faced by young adults from high net worth families? A major struggle is focused around the development of a healthy self-image. The following scenario describes how this struggle might be manifested.
Maura is a twenty-four year old heiress. Raised in a wealthy family, Maura had all the advantages associated with the life style of the top 1%: nannies whose only responsibilities were to care for her, an exclusive private school education, skiing vacations in Switzerland in the winter, exclusive summer camps in the summer, a new BMW convertible when she got her license, charge cards at exclusive stores, servants to pick up her clothes, do her laundry and cook her meals. The list goes on and on.
All of these luxuries came at great personal cost to Maura. As an only child, Maura was very lonely growing up. Her parents traveled a great deal, leaving her behind with a series of nannies. She formed close attachments to these surrogate parents, but for reasons she didn’t understand, they would disappear, to be replaced by another caretaker. She concluded that their departures must have been her fault.
While benefiting from lavish material possessions, Maura experienced the deprivation of benign parental neglect. Her parents were often away from home, and busy with work and social activities, both day and night. Raised to protect herself from fortune hunters, she also found trusting others very difficult. She did not feel safe letting her contemporaries know about her trust fund and related income. While she could buy pretty much what she wanted, she felt ashamed of her material possessions. She had never developed an appropriate vocabulary to talk about her “advantages,” nor did she feel entitled to any negative feelings, since she was told she should only be grateful for everything she had. Finally, because she didn’t have to work for money, she drifted from one social activity to another, as her mother programmed her to do. When Maura sought counseling, she was moderately depressed, drank too much and expressed feelings of worthlessness.
Maura’s history and issues are far too common for inheritors and those raised with such financial abundance – low self-esteem, abandonment anxiety, self-medicating behaviors, difficulty with intimacy and pervasive loneliness. The messages she got about money and privilege convinced her she would only be valued for what she had, not who she was.
Coaching Maura focused on enhancing her sense of herself – her values, interests, wishes and fears. Throughout, careful attention was paid to helping her develop a vocabulary about wealth, and an acceptance of both the privilege and responsibilities her financial status offered. Perhaps for the first time, she was able to identify what mattered to her and give herself permission to explore ways in which she could contribute her energy and time to learning about homelessness in her community, a cause that was meaningful to her. She began volunteering at a shelter for homeless families, and began thinking about getting an advanced degree.
For Maura, like with so many of her peers, our work together combined an exploration of her family history, childhood experiences, fears and dreams with concrete action steps to make the changes in her life she so much wanted. Her wealth and privilege no longer defined and isolated her, but rather were integrated into a healthier vision of who she was and what she could bring to others – in her personal relationships, to a growing commitment to a career, and to her community.